2019 Prepared Me For This: & 2018 Prepared Me For 2019

The past few weeks have been filled with intense up and then down feelings. This pandemic has shaken up the reality for us all. The new, but temporary, "normal" has been interesting, to say the least, in terms of adjusting and remaining faith-full.

(FYI: we will not be going back to what you think "normal" is...we can't).

This post, in particular, has been a brain-child of mine for the past three months. I've been sitting with telling this particular part of my journey for the last few months mostly out of being unsure how it'll be received. As someone who is pretty self-aware, I haven't always trusted my gut, second-guessing what I should share or not, saying the right thing at the right time, and all that other stuff we are "suppose to do".

That pesky ego of mine.

You know what I mean.

I keep things in, at times to my detriment. The thing is, I wasn't proud of this experience. All of the shoulda/woulda/coulda's have rolled in and bonded me in it's suffocating grasp multiple times in the last nine months.

You must be saying to yourself,

"Well, what the hell are you even talking about??"

My response,

"Hold your damn horses... -shrugs-".

I have to give this intro so you can fully grasp where I'm coming from, to understand and piece the pieces together and make your own conclusions on why I have had to wait until the "right time" to share this.

Right now in the world, there's so much uncertainty, so much chaos and fear in the media and many are gobbling it all up. And in gobbling it all up, they've left themselves hollow, numb from being fed so much information of death and disease. I'll be bold enough to say that if you are reading this, you aren't fully following the fear. You are doing what you can with what you have and you live and feel and express compassion and find joy/peace and are actively moving forward. What is happening right now in our country and world reminds me of what 2019 looked like for me. I'll explain.

2019 was a very isolated year. It started off a little slow since I was working for my office job, but behind the scenes, I was feeling very overwhelmed. I encouraged my mom to go to therapy as she navigated some toxic patterns she was forced to face and release. The whole "keeping things in" was to her detriment, too. As we went to a few sessions, my therapist felt we should go to separate sessions because I really needed and was yearning to release all the pain I kept in. I had a lot of toxic gunk in me that wasn't even my own to hold... I no longer wanted to endure the pain that comes with your reality showing you all the things you've swept under the rug alone.

When I finally left my office job on June 28th, I went to celebrate my dad's birthday in NYC. I was feeling so many emotions that night. My husband and I went up to the rooftop and as we looked out to the city, I was breathing the fresh summer air and deep down, the storm was brewing.

On my second day of working full-time as an entrepreneur (July 2nd), there was a total solar eclipse and at the exact minute (I was looking at the time), I began to sob. I was regretting my decision already. I had all these questions fill my head, mostly money-related.

Why?

You know that advice you usually get from mentors to have money saved up before you leave your job?

I didn't, but I had to leave that job.

It was draining me and my manager was leaving in August so, I decided to end the pain.

July 2nd was the start of a very hard inner journey of self-reflecting and self-discovery.

Technically, it started when I made the final decision and told my family that I was leaving my job and the 9-5 life in general, but it got real from July 2nd onward.

A lot of people right now are feeling or may feel in the coming weeks,

"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to provide for my family? What am I going to do now that I am not working? ".

Especially those in non-essential retail/service industries.

I had those same questions when I entered my semi-self-imposed isolation. That's why I sobbed, but I wiped my tears and just tried to relax though I felt so guilty for resting. I felt like I needed to be doing, but my body and mind wanted me to sit, to sit with those feelings.

To come home to my SELF. To find security and stability and a new sense of self-image outside of what I owned.

My husband and I went on the hiking trail I told you in one of my posts the following weekend. It was a daunting hike, but what a metaphor for mental strength, perseverance, and faith!

I prayed I wouldn't faint when we ran out of water halfway through the hike, I prayed I wouldn't break a bone when we had to hike down this very steep hill that had no trees or roots to hold on to or place my foot on and was filled with pebbles. I prayed. I meditated to calm my nerves. I had faith.

My husband said later that night that he thought I'd give up on the trail and I responded and I said, "How? Even if I wanted to, I couldn't." As a subtle sign from the Universe to keep going, I received some good news the day before to relieve some of the anxiety I was initially feeling. The funny thing about life is things will be pushed back until it's "the right time". I had some lessons to learn first. God/the Universe/ the ancestors + spirits have plans and what they say, goes. This good news came with some tough tests of faith.

And I waited no-so-patiently, to be honest.

As I waited, I decided to think of what else I could do in the meantime in my business. I had many ideas and one of them that came to mind was my eDesign For Beginners course.

The idea was conceived at the end of August and I had set to release it at the end of October which I ended up having to postpone and I'm glad I did because I received even more insight of what I could add to make it valuable and I got a better microphone to record from.

Speaking of recording, I learned so much about myself by recording my voice. I was timid at first. I wasn't used to hearing my voice this way and now, I had to hear it over and over as I edited my videos. This was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I needed this kind of pressure. In October, I had all the video footage I needed, but the voice-recordings were not completed.

I was still feeling insecure and unstable because all this time, I still was not able to provide the ways I usually would. I had to rely on my support system so much in ways that made me uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. I didn't believe in myself though I still tried to do what I could with what I had: my support, my faith, my time and my skills. I was able to help in other ways like being an ear to listen and voice of wisdom (from my own experiences), take care of household tasks and bringing love into our home by being vulnerable, letting my guard down and releasing.

I think as many of us are home, people will have no choice, but to face the uncomfortable situations tied around intimate relationships (family dynamics, romantic and platonic) and our relationship to money. We're forced to be home and lots of time with ones self. The uncomfortable truths will be hard to run from. I have had years of small doses of awakening to what is rather than what is perceived or acceptable. When we see things and people for what they truly are, it's scary, it's unbearable, it's so hurtful. More than ever, people will need support. Those who understand what I mean have already gone through this and that means you are being asked to share and help those who need it or will need it soon. The structures of the world and the structures we have created for ourselves are dramatically changing, being destroyed. This pandemic is truly a way to get us to open our eyes to what is rather than what it seems to be.

On an individual level, it's seeing what's truly important in our lives outside of what we do for a living, outside of what we've achieved in our careers/jobs, outside of how much money you have and titles/degrees you hold. All of that is put on hold.

Who are you when all of those things are stripped from you?

Who are you being asked to be right now?

I'm being asked to be compassionate, mothering/nurturing, a logical and intuitive leader, to continue to preserve and transform, to remember who I truly am: a creative and free spirit.

On a global level, we're seeing how important it is to slow down to enjoy life, to not place the pursuit of our careers and making money above being a compassionate human, but to place your health/wellbeing (mind, body, and spirit) above your career and money and to trust that all will be well when/while you rest and reassess your reality.

It's always hard to see the light at the tunnel when you are staring at the darkness for too long.

Allow your eyes to adjust.

We all needed this time to recharge and for some, they may experience the hard truths of their past actions with nowhere to run being at home. In any instance, it's best to be compassionate and patient with yourself and with others. If you have the energy to do so, extend some TLC to someone you know who could use it. Express healthy, flexible boundaries with yourself and others. 

My family and I over the past almost 9 months of being home have repaired what was needing repair, to see things more clearly, to understand each other's point of view and to be of support to one another where we are. It's interesting that it's almost 9 months, I'd like to think I am being reborn, a new version of myself, a fuller version of myself. My advice, if there's been a topic or idea that you've been wanting to share or explore, it's for a reason. Take this opportune time to build up your courage, allow the changes to flow through you, don't resist it because you are afraid. I'm not on the other side of this difficult cycle, I'm right alongside you figuring it out.

I'm not above anyone. I'm sharing this as I really am passionate about people finding their own courage, standing in their own power, being the authentic versions of themselves. I support you. I'm cheering for you if no one else you know is.

This time period will have many standing firmly in their power.

Scared? Sure, but ready.

If you haven't established some self-care/self-preservation activities for yourself for this time, consider journaling, taking a bubble bath at least once a week, taking a walk/jog, listening to binary beats, draw/paint (it's just for you so don't say 'I can't draw/paint', everyone can draw/paint), sing, dance, read a great book for leisure (I have a list of books for 2020), listen to podcasts/Audibles (there's a 30-day free trial), practice yoga, playing with pets, playing with your kids, anything that will give your mind a rest from computers, social media, news, and TV. Things are rapidly changing, but we are not alone even though this experience is very isolating.

I mentioned in an IG Stories the other day that I have since I was a child, wanted to create for a living whether that was writing, drawing, painting, designing, all the career paths all boil down to that: being creative. I'm naturally creative and I am inspired by my peers. If there's been something you've wanted to get started on, big or small, today's the day to take a step forward to get it started.

Take care.