Mom Guilt: Part 2
I’ve been thinking about revisiting the original post, Mom Guilt, for some time now as a way to reflect, but also to say that while mom guilt is definitely real, it does not and really should not run or dictate your life. While there may be plenty of people who may never feel this overwhelming guilt, shame and/or regret, there are plenty of us that have or will.
For example, the anxiety of leaving your child after maternity leave to return to work with someone who isn’t yourself. Three to six weeks is nowhere near enough time to spend time with this new tiny human. I was fortunate to find a way to stay home with my son for four months, two of which were unpaid, but my job was protected under the FMLA act since I was working for a big company, H&M.
I wanted to touch on a few things about parenthood, but more specifically motherhood, you should be mindful of as you embark on your unique and rich journey.
Breastfeeding
If you decide that you would like to breastfeed your child, educate yourself if this isn’t something you saw in your upbringing and/or you don’t know someone personally who has done so with their child(ren).
Also, do not let others bully you for deciding to breastfeed your child(ren) or tell you how long you SHOULD breastfeed. Don’t let anyone bully you, period.
Don’t feel like you have to do anything that doesn’t resonate with your values/goals. Your life is yours to live. Listen to your gut and do what you feel is right for you and your baby. A fed baby is a happy baby. We already have so much pressure on ourselves due to the high demands of feeding, changing, and tending to a child around the clock, an increase of hormones that come from giving birth to a life and if you jump onto having birth control right after birth, it pretty much increases the hormones even more. You need to stay hydrated when breastfeeding since your body is working hard to produce the milk for your baby. You will be sleep deprived whether you breastfeed or not so keep hydrated and remember to feed yourself.
New moms need help and support, even if they refuse to accept help, ask her how she's feeling, send a care basket with treats, a big ass water jug, a good book, a massage, be a listening ear.
Coming Home To You
Personal story: I breastfed my son for 25 months. I wasn't supported fully to breastfeed in public and I didn't have the courage to face the fear of judgment that would come by feeding without a cover. My son would yank the blanket off, Lol and I was very self-conscious though I know my areola would not be visible to others. Now, I'm super supportive of other moms who choose to do so and when I have my next kid, I am much more confident and unbothered by what other people may think if I need to breastfeed my hungry baby in public.
At 24 months, I decided to get birth control, Nexplanon, a copper rod implant that was placed into my arm. I did this out of fear of getting pregnant again. It was, however, the best decision to make at that particular moment in my life. As that year progressed, I started to feel all over the place and felt like I was completely losing myself. I wasn’t feeling like “myself”. I immediately said to myself, “it’s most likely the birth control”. I know many people say they had no issues with birth control, but I was lashing out due to feeling out of control, I was depressed and anxious.
The increase of hormones along with this hard truth: I had no idea who “I” was because I was pregnant at the same time as I walked the stage to receive my degree. I didn’t know who I was outside of school and suddenly, I was a mom. Of course, I was and am happy to be a mom.
I have had to re-learn who I am outside of being a mom. In the beginning years of your kid’s life, you can very easily do less for you as an infant turns into a toddler and from a toddler into a pre-schooler. If you are the sole-provider or it’s just you and your spouse taking care of this child the majority of the time with little time to just be, it starts to wear on you.
It is completely normal.
These are things that only come to the surface from parents going through it when shit hits the fan, but it is very common and needs to be addressed, ASAP. Self-care, now more than ever, is important as well as making time to socialize with someone other than your babbling baby or chatty little one.
You have to do what’s best for you so you can show up for your child and to break the cycles of generational trauma.
What do I mean by that?
You may or may not have been physically abused, but you may have been verbally, emotionally, and/or spiritually abused by feeling belittled or feeling shame and guilt from those closest to you, like when I mentioned not letting others bully you— people will project their fears onto you… feel the fear, sit with it and do what you want/need to do anyway. Think about the things that hurt you deeply and that will present what traumas I’m talking about. Doing the inner work on yourself will allow you to be a better parent to give your child the love they want, need and deserve. Only you can determine what that inner work looks like for you.
Side note: I’m a HUGE advocate for going to therapy. I was fortunate to be aligned with a social worker who I could see with my health insurance and she has been a life-saver. Remember, a relationship with a mental health professional is a partnership and collaboration. The work should be done in the office with your therapist, psychiatrist/ psychologist or social worker and outside of the office on your own for the most impactful change and application to your life.
THERAPY IS LIFE CHANGING I TELL YOU.
Actively Listening To Your Kid
On IG, I shared recently via my Stories that your child will make it very clear what their love language is, even with non-verbal cues. My son is a high-energy child who is sometimes a little too loud for me, a fun and adventure-loving kid who likes a lot of human interaction (thanks to his fiery sun and moon in his natal chart). For me, I try to pay attention to what he’s really saying based on what he says and what he does.
A lot of times, there’s a pattern like when he was a toddler, he’d make a scrunched-up face and waddle when he had to poop and when he was an infant, he’d do a low, drawn-out cry when he wanted out of his crib. When he learned how to talk and learned to give us cues as to what he wants, the communication became more direct and clear. When he went into pre-school, a teacher helped him fall asleep for a nap by rubbing his back which he still asks for now as a 5-year-old at bedtime. Now, I incorporate binaural tones to help soothe his active mind and body after seeing the improvement with my active mind.
If you are into Astrology like I am, dive into your natal chart then, dive into theirs. Once you understand yours and their personal planets (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus and Ascendent/Rising signs), you will have a better understanding of how to best support yourself and them as well. A synastry chart can help, too, as that is a chart that shows where both your planets overlap one another forming important relationship aspects (interactions between the planets).
If you aren’t into Astrology, sorry if I lost you there, Lol.
Basically, do your research. Be active and present in your relationships. Learn from others, seek out the knowledge, assistance, and community, especially if you aren’t supported by those close to you.
During and after birth, I stayed connected with other moms via Facebook groups-- to be more specific groups, Facebook groups with other moms/caregivers of color. I learned so much about how others parent their children and learned more about how I can incorporate what I wanted my parenting style to be into my reality.
Some moms were stay-at-home moms, some were work-at-home moms, some homeschooled their kids, and some worked outside of the house, like me. I read books on parenting and self-help books to learn how I can improve my mindset and reactions to better cope with my evolving new life. I realized that my own childhood was not completely what I needed (as many of us find) and I wanted to be more involved in a healthy way to give my kid the childhood experience he needs. I’m simply helping him build the foundation for his life the best I can.
Healing Your Inner Child Heals Your Child(ren)
The reality is we are raising future adults, not children.
Read that again.
I feel the best way to look at this life is, “How can I make this human experience better?” and answer that honestly, from the heart, not out of fear, not worrying about what society or family and friends say, but what would make this all move much more smoothly. You know the line, “take what you need and leave the rest?”.
Use your discernment, listen to your intuition— that is what will make your life so much easier especially with the added responsibility of caring and nurturing your child and yourself. You can’t give from an empty cup and your child will be much happier when you are, too. Unload the burden in a constructive and mature way so your child doesn’t end up on the receiving end down the line.
Some books that helped me can be found on my booklist from 2019 including:
“We’re Going To Need More Wine” by Gabrielle Union
“You Are A Bad Ass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero
“All About Love: New Visions” by bell hooks
“You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay
Since 2017, I have felt called to share my personal experiences as a way to help someone else out that may be looking for some motivation and encouragement to overcome their current circumstances.
Motherhood is not separate from my business.
My business is heavily influenced and inspired by being a mom and it is the reason I keep going. Being a mom also provides guidelines for me in business. I've had to check myself many times when I would make certain decisions realizing that I have to remember my priorities. My child and future children are part of my “why”, they are the legacy I leave behind when my soul leaves this Earth. They are my successors.
I am so glad to have shared this with you and I hope this resonates with you, my lovely reader. If there is something specific you’d like for me to touch on, if I have the experience to share, I will happily write about it.
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Until next time, be kind to yourself (I have to remind myself this) and remember to breathe.
You’re doing an amazing job!
