The End of a Decade!: The Lessons I Learned
Honestly, it takes me by surprise that 2009 was ten years ago. Back then, I was ending my first semester in college, getting adjusted to the college life. I definitely didn't think things would turn out the way they did.
I had a dreamy plan in mind of what my college life would look like and what my life would be after I graduated. In my eighteen-year-old mind, I was going to follow the track to become an interior architect -- completing my undergrad in interior design and going to graduate school for architecture, then become a licensed architect, travel to Copenhagen, Denmark, work for a design firm for a few years to gain valuable experience and a comfortable income, live in a cool industrial loft apartment, start my own business, get married and start my family.
Of course, a lot of that did not happen in that order or at all, but what has not happened yet still can happen. As I look back, I did make substantial moves in the right direction to make my dreams come to reality.
In the last decade I:
I attended college and graduated from college
Moved to a new town
Moved into my own place
Became a mother
Felt confused about my future and career
Had two nervous breakdowns
Had anxiety attacks
Started my interior design business
Saw a therapist
Distanced myself from toxic people
Took the leap of faith and quit my toxic job
Repaired my relationships with those close to me
Renewed my faith in self and God
and learned so many valuable lessons on the way that I understand on a higher level as I reflect now.
At the end of 2018, I decided my word for the 2019 would be "consistent".
Consistent /kənˈsistənt/: acting or done in the same way over time, especially so as to be fair or accurate. via Lexico
Consistent was a great word for me because I wanted to improve myself in various ways including my thoughts, my habits, my actions, and my attitude towards life in general. I'd been feeling stuck in terms of beginning my career since graduating college in 2014 and now that I was starting to feel the pull to leave my job and work for myself full-time, I knew I needed to make some changes. Though I entered 2019 thinking I would solely be focusing on being consistent in my career and business, it turns out I needed to be more consistent with myself, more consistent in not betraying my personal needs in the pursuit of my career success.
The imaginary brakes were pumped HARD and FAST right out the gate of 2019. I realized quickly the speed in which I rebounded from the traumatic experience of my mom just about knocking on death's door at the start of 2018 was not going to cut it in 2019. This is more of a reason I started therapy and have continued to do so all of 2019 to course-correct myself.
I thank God for that because I surely would have had to postpone my graduation another semester. When I graduated in May 2014, I walked the stage with a tiny, pea-size human baking in my belly, two months pregnant and so unsure if I was even ready to be a mother. I always thought I'd be my mom's age when she had me, twenty seven, and I thought I'd be established in my career, be married and have a house by the time I even thought I'd "be ready" for a kid.
Nope, I was walking the stage, holding my pee for about two hours, graduating from college with baby-to-be in tow, so happy to be starting a family with my boyfriend, now husband and nervous about what the future held.
The Lessons I learned over this decade:
Sometimes, an ending is disguised as a beginning.
From 2009 til 2012, I was living for and through someone else, not fully focusing on myself and continuously placing my needs and dreams on hold. For love. I didn't realize that I wasn't loving myself in this act. I thought to do this was just part of what you do when you are in love, support the other person, mold them to be better when really I needed to be a cheerleader for myself.
I delayed my graduation a year since I failed a class and should've failed another class, but my professor mysteriously gave me an A though I barely showed up from class. Also, I decided to go to school part-time at the end of 2011 to find a full-time job to help pay for bills where I was living. At the start of 2012, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and I moved out. I went to school part-time for that semester and went back to full-time for the Fall. Of course, none of this is anyone else's fault than my own and I have accepted that I did what I thought was right in the moment.
Things don't always go as planned, but you are stronger than you think.
This has got to be the biggest lesson for all the years of this decade. When I started 2019, I thought once February came, I would have projects rolling in for my business as I worked at my office job. That didn't go as planned especially when I didn't receive an offer from HomePolish (a blessing in disguise). Having left Havenly two months prior, I pretty much was starting from scratch. Despite those shortcomings, I found the courage to leave my office job and step out fully on my own with faith, resources, and a goal in mind.
Life is full of paths endlessly forking.
In 2015, as I was on maternity leave, I applied and interviewed for jobs. One interview in particular during this time that stands out was an interior design firm. I was breastfeeding at the time so as I'm walking into their office I was thinking of where I could possibly pump besides the bathroom (which I was not willing to do). During the interview I was honest and let the interviewer know that I was on maternity leave currently, but was willing to give a month's notice to my employer. I didn't get the job.
Later that year, they had a job posting again for the position which they hadn't filled yet.
I was invited to do the interview again. I didn't get the job.
It all makes sense now that I have gone through what I went through. My priorities then and now may not have been in alignment with what I would have been asked to do. Overall, my child and my family come first. The stability and security of my home life is important to me. I wasn't willing to sacrifice more time away from my family than I already had working in retail. Especially as my son was under a year old.
Had I received this or any of the positions I really wanted, I may not have had the grace I had at my office job to pick up my son from pre-school the many times he wasn't feeling well as he adjusted to the environment of other kids his age. I may not have been able to take time off as freely to stay home when there were days off from school, especially during the holidays. Also, I may not have found a listening ear that understood the growing pains I was experiencing. Things may have ended up very differently for my career. I may have overstayed my welcome in hopes of moving up with that company rather than building one of my own out of comfort. Who knows?
"Burnout is not the price you have to pay for success" - Arianna Huffington (in 'Tribe of Mentors')
The burnout I experienced at the end of 2018 proved to me that while I wanted to build my career, this was not the best way for me to go about it especially when there wasn't a balance between my work and home life. My position at Havenly was great while it lasted, but it didn't feel worth it because I was staying up long nights working on projects after work and spending minimal time with my family. Also, I was neglecting the tasks I needed to do to build the foundation of my business.
Too many balls in the air and not enough time to catch them.
I had to let something go and even though I wanted to leave my office job, I wasn't ready to leave behind the steady income. It's funny to look back now seeing how I ended up mustering the courage to leave that job behind six months later.
Find your voice. Speak your truth.
I spent years as a kid struggling to hear. Hearing test after hearing test, I would fail. I'd go see ENT doctors at the top children's hospital in the Bronx, take MRI's and more tests.
Nothing.
I couldn't receive hearing aids because the doctors said they couldn't figure out what was causing the hearing loss. From around age seven until I turned twenty-six, I went through life missing out on some opportunities due to the insecurities that stemmed from my hearing loss among other things I was battling with. Finally, I feel like I can fully express myself without the shame the comes with the fear of not hearing things clearly or hearing incorrectly. I feel confident speaking knowing that I can listen more effectively now. I've been reading lips for so long and cupping my ears straining to listen. It's such a freeing experience to know that I have a wheelchair for my hearing instead of a crutch.
Since sharing my personal journey, I have received many messages from people who are on a similar path who thanked me for sharing because it has helped them make sense of what they were currently going through in life and in their careers. It truly feels great to indirectly be helpful to others just by sharing my experiences. I've always wanted to make an impact in the world and this has helped me feel like I have fulfilled that.
Celebrate your accomplishments more often.
I read this post recently and thought about how often I celebrate all that I have accomplished and it's true. We sit with the bad times for days, weeks, maybe even months, but for celebrations, it lasts only a few hours.
I've decided as we enter into 2020, this has to change. I will celebrate and honor my accomplishments for much more than a few hours. I will allow myself to be more playful, let me hair down and enjoy this new freedom of being in control of my life, my happiness, my future.
This year, I had some profound moments that were truly symbolic of the lessons I needed to learn on the path to self-discovery and self-mastery. I gave this advice to someone at the top of the year: "Stay focused, network strategically and be organized. Also, practice self-care at least one a week". Truth of the matter is, I didn't really know what self-care looked like for me and once a week was not enough! I needed to spend more time getting to know me and my needs this year. I needed to nurture and celebrate me more this year.
BONUS LESSONS:
September 2019-
A beautiful spider decided to craft her web by my bedroom window and I got to see her magnificent weaving ability every day. She would hang out during the day and leave the web at night, sometimes. I never saw her coming, only saw here there or gone.
What a spider taught me:
- Move in silence, most times
- Be patient when creating a substantial structure
- The execution of your plan to get what you want is vital. She caught a bug and wrapped him up quickly.
- Delayed gratification. She left the bug there to eat later, to enjoy it.
- Tend to your center. I noticed her web was a bit messy in the middle and towards the bottom, especially after she caught the bug. With the center ripped, the rest of the web was flapping in the wind. She diligently worked to repaired it one afternoon.
- Move with the motions. Be flexible. There was a day that was so windy. I watched as the trees swayed and so did the spider and her web. She rode the wind and her web was intact.
One day, of course, she decided to move on to a new spot, maybe for better
I hope you enjoyed this quick trip down memory lane with me.
If you had a rough year, please keep going! Its cliche but do try to stay in gratitude for even the smallest of things like the sun shining, a glass to drink from, having a day off to relax. Anything.
I promise you, staying in gratitude will truly carry you over those heavy days.
Detox your social media accounts and only follow people who share positive, uplifting, authentic content. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel low, inadequate, unworthy.
Feel free to follow me on IG at: Sheyna_James and/or follow the blog's IG at: ASPIRE.CREATE.INSPIRE.
Thank you for reading ❤️
